I tried so hard and got so far. In the end, it doesn't even matter.

My day did not end well.

I haven't used this blog too much as a venting post. I have been on the soapbox here and there, but I realize that most of the time, it is just my reflections on stuff.

But tonight, I feel like getting it out there b/c I feel so uneasy. It's like, I'm making progress. Things are looking up again. First time in about a year! I'm not depressed anymore. I've even smiled and laughed again. Felt like myself! (see previous post :) But I guess that's also the point where I get too comfortable. And comfortable can be bad b/c I never want to be complacent and passive. (God doesn't want us to be these things either.)

Well, when one thing goes wrong, it brings up all the other stuff that I have already gotten over, back to the surface. It all settles in my stomach like last night's fajitas. And I wonder why I have stomach issues and ulcers? And I feel depressed again. What happened to my coping skills? Do I think that highly of myself that I would possibly think nothing "like this" could ever happen to moi? Hah. Hardly.

What it is, is hard to explain without making me sound like something I don't want to sound like... but I feel betrayed when this happens. Like the victim of some cosmic joke that I never got. Like the hypothetical rug getting pulled out from under me. Blindsided.

I try so hard. In most things. Everything usually. I want to please more than anything. I want to meet everyone's expectations. (But what have I said previously on here about expectations?) Hah. I give myself to things I care about. I really do. I guess that is called passion? But most of the time, I am more than willing to step down, change myself, to accommodate the other person's agenda. To make them happy.

This would be bad.

I don't know how much more heartache I have go through before I really get this.

I realized that things had been off a little. I couldn't put my finger on it, other than there was just something that wasn't working. We weren't on the same page. I tried so hard to understand. This would make me self-conscious, and good things usually never come out of feeling self-conscious. But that still doesn't mean I wasn't working as hard as I could at it.

I am just not good enough. What happened to confidence?

My family and friends have already said the right things. They know I'm competent. They know my accomplishments. They know my heart. This should make me feel better, yes? Why is that I just marinate on the bad things and let them fester and keep me from sleep, and just let the good things sit in a temporary file somewhere, waiting to be DELETED?

I don't want to be so negative.

But I hate for someone to think I don't care. I hate to be misunderstood. But what can I do about this? Nothing. I guess, just like in relationships, with some people and some jobs, you just don't C L I C K.

N o m a t t e r h o w h a r d y o u t r y.

Well, I'll probably be back to having no money again soon. No more dinners out again. No more buying anything. It was a fun couple weeks while it lasted.
Sorry if I'm bringing you down. But I'm having a huge LIFE SUCKS moment, and it's more than feeling sorry, I'm just tired of it... But I know I'm not the only one out there.

I just hope things look better in the morning like they are supposed to.

I don't like feeling like this.


Someone said that just b/c there is an open door, doesn't mean it's God's Will. I pray for discernment. I just want to do the right thing.