Sometimes it's unpleasant to be real

Today, I need to talk about resentment.

This is not something I am proud of, but I am hoping that if I can write about it, it will let some of the poison out and I will try to get over these feelings.

The theme of this resentment is of people who find themselves in better financial situations than I do. Privileged. I know that sounds ridiculous, as I definitely enjoy the life I lead with certain privileges. I realize that. I acknowledge that.

But today is International Women's Day.

Women are supposed to come together by going on strike from their lives, staying home from work, protesting, wearing red...

Do you know the only women privileged enough to be able to "go on strike" and not go into work?

Celebrities.
The rich, who don't have to answer to anybody.

So, today, I will sit in my menial public service job, with four other women, wearing our red shirts to show our solidarity.

My husband and I recently moved to, what I would call, a more "pretentious" part of the city. We are the rif raf of the neighborhood, with our Hondas and townhouse, in the midst of Mercedes and million dollar brick homes. I've noticed that our new neighbors work less, but are on the road more. During rush hour, when the rif raf of the hood are trying to rush to jobs, these are the leisurely drivers or runners or dog walkers, taking up valuable space in their shiny work out clothes, and stress-free, wrinkle-free faces, happy to face the early morning sun. Meanwhile, I'm honking my horn behind someone not in a hurry to get through the yellow light because they have the 10 minutes to wait on it to change again.

What am I doing with my life?

We do not want a life of extravagance. We don't want the million dollar home or Mercedes. We just want to be able to live a life, middle class as we are, and not have to waste the valuable hours of our days working for ungrateful bosses, small paychecks, and hour-long commutes, and have no time to spend together. At least any time that is not dead-beat tired on the couch watching Vanderpump Rules on DVR.

I know I probably sound like a spoiled brat.
I know I am blessed or lucky to have that Honda and that job and yes, the DVR, and blahblahblah. But I need this moment to be selfish and to let it out.

I have recently had visions of me, losing my mind a la Ashley Judd, from that movie the Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood. You know where she freaks out and runs away from her husband and kids to be by herself in a motel by the beach. If something in my life doesn't change, I fear that will happen.

I guess  I actually don't know what will happen. When my son is born, (still feel so disconnected from that statement, I am going to have a son? OMG) I know my mind, heart, life will change in ways I can't even imagine. So, I don't know what will happen.

But this I know: if I continue working at a job I'm not meant to have, one that sucks the life and joy out of me, and if I keep having to trudge through this mundane routine of 8-5, I will lose it.

I can't even watch award shows anymore because all they signify to me, is a celebration by rich people for other rich people. And it's not even the money that gets me. It's that these people know what it's like to be able to be free and out during a work day, getting a coffee, or helping their moms with their ailing grandparents, and not having to pack every thing in  your tiny sliver of a time off because it will be over so soon.

I admit it. I am so jealous of that. I just want to be able to go see my mom when I want to. To help her cart my grandfather six times a week to dialysis-his life line. I want my husband and I to be able to enjoy a Wednesday morning together, and not just because we feel like kids playing hooky if we happen to both be home from work that day. I know my husband would have loved to have been there for his dad when his mother had surprise emergency surgery, and to help with her recovery. But there's only so many days off...


I know, I am going on and on for nothing. I know everyone wishes for these things. These are luxuries that most people I know cannot afford. Time. Money.

I know we will continue to have to GO to work, and be responsible, and do the best that we can.

I know that perhaps my bad attitude about this prevents me from seeing the positives or getting the breaks and changes that I so desperately need.

I look for jobs. I even apply for some. Crickets.

I buy lottery tickets. Nada.

All I can do is keep trying. And praying. 

(I know, I KNOW, feel sorry for me. wah wah wah.)

I apologize for unleashing this piece of whining and negativity. I do hope that I can let these feelings go and try to embrace the good things in my life. And there are many. Some days are way better than others about where I put my focus. Today, I'm not feeling so great. Tomorrow, I may be on top of the world. I hope all of this is amplified by crazy pregnant hormones, but I've felt this way a long time, honestly.

Ok, I'll shut up now. Time to wear my red shirt, sit at my particle-board desk, and try to keep my sanity.