Social roles and declarative statements
What kind of mom are you going to be?
This is a question that bears a lot of weight.
I am not even sure that someone that hasn't been a mom yet can even answer. There's only so many books you can read, anecdotes you can hear, and notes you can take. And the classes. There is a ton of information out there.
I am not one of those people who enjoys information overload. I have a few books I have been given, that I have "skimmed" and probably will reference when I have a specific question. At the nudging of my midwife, my husband and I have taken a Childbirth Class and a Parenting Class. Ten hours of classes=We are now experts.
Hahaha!
I think I can probably more easily say what kind of mom I will not be. It can be said that is just not the kind of woman I am, really.
I have this memory from around the time I was in the 6th grade. My mom was a single mom at the time, having divorced from my dad several years prior. She would marry soon, but at the time of this memory, she had been single for a while. I was over at a friend's house, who had a nuclear family still intact. The mother was in the kitchen making a cake for her family- as just something she did on a regular basis. It wasn't a birthday or special occasion.
I went in there for a drink or something and she asked me if I had ever baked before and being 11 or 12, I said no. I'll never forget the sound of pity in her voice and the sad look in her eyes when she said, "Oh, your mom hasn't taught you how to bake yet? How sad. Stay in here with me and I will teach you."
Now, my friend, who I had gone over to spend time with was not in the kitchen with us during this lesson, so now that I consider it, I have to wonder, was it planned? Did she ambush me with her pity at the state of my family-life? (Which, by the way, has always been pretty happy.)
So, I can vaguely remember her showing me a recipe, and measuring cups, and sugar and flour, and making the icing, all of that. I was raised to be polite and accommodating so even at that age, I knew to appear grateful. But I also felt protective. I wasn't quite sure why at the time. I hadn't the maturity level to realize that she was inevitably feeling ashamed that my mother hadn't taken a more traditional motherly-womanly role in the kitchen. How dare she not cook and how dare she not show her daughter how to bake a cake.
I am sure this woman was not trying to be mean or that she had bad intentions. I remember her being a kind lady. But you know what else I remember? Her husband was overbearing. Demanding. Scary. He was a smart-alec to his young kids. He made them cry. I was scared of him too and avoided him.
It is not lost on me now, that this kind woman had an outlook on life that her daughter, and her daughter's friends would marry a man like she did, a man that expected and demanded that a woman stay home, that her work was in the kitchen only. That it is okay to accept a treatment from men that can be belittling, and that the key to a happy marriage is to make a damn chocolate cake on a Tuesday afternoon.
No, my mom didn't pride herself on her gourmet culinary skills. But she cooked for me and I never went hungry. Our birthday cakes were probably from the Duncan Hines box, or the grocery store bakery, and I grew up just fine. I grew up knowing that it wasn't up to me to meet some man's unrealistic expectations about how a woman should be. I didn't marry someone who demanded anything of me. It is interesting how we pick up on tiny nuances and learn so much from them, even as children...
I guess you can say children do learn from their parent's mistakes or decisions in life. My parent's divorce, and this tidbit of a baking memory definitely helped to shape me as a woman.
I am not a woman who will meet society's expectations of a woman's role in the kitchen.
I am not a woman who will choose to marry a demanding, demeaning, controlling man. (like the woman from my memory; my dad is not like this)
I am not a woman who walks away from her marriage when things are bad.
Not to belittle my parents experiences or to judge them, but from what I do know about the circumstances, and from talking to them today, I hear questions, regret, a wistfulness. So, what I learned is that love doesn't just end, that it is worth it to try every means necessary to work something out, and most importantly, to keep certain things between you and your spouse. Sometimes those outside influences, even well-meaning ones from parents or best friends, can cloud your thoughts and sometimes it just needs to remain sacred between you and your spouse. Make your own decisions without the influence of others when it comes to your marriage.
So, what kind of mom will I be? Well, I won't leave my family--I will stay the course. (even though I may joke about running away from time to time, I won't really) I will raise my son to be respectful to himself, to women, and to the world. I'll show him how to read a recipe-but I won't force any pre-conceived ideas or social roles on him. If he doesn't want to play football, that is fine. If he wants to be a cake-baker, I'll find the classes for him myself. If he chooses to marry, he'll know that his wife is there as part of a team, and that life is to be shared, not dictated.
All of this to say, I am nothing if not a woman of many contradictions. Yes, I want to make the choice for myself if and where I work and if and when I bake cakes, but if I could afford to be a stay-at-home mom, I'd quit my job today, before this baby is even born. Then I'd go out and buy a dozen cupcakes, because that is easier and more yummy than anything I could ever bake...
What does that say about who I am as a woman?! I value convenience! Who has the time to bake from scratch these days! haha
This is a question that bears a lot of weight.
I am not even sure that someone that hasn't been a mom yet can even answer. There's only so many books you can read, anecdotes you can hear, and notes you can take. And the classes. There is a ton of information out there.
I am not one of those people who enjoys information overload. I have a few books I have been given, that I have "skimmed" and probably will reference when I have a specific question. At the nudging of my midwife, my husband and I have taken a Childbirth Class and a Parenting Class. Ten hours of classes=We are now experts.
Hahaha!
I think I can probably more easily say what kind of mom I will not be. It can be said that is just not the kind of woman I am, really.
I have this memory from around the time I was in the 6th grade. My mom was a single mom at the time, having divorced from my dad several years prior. She would marry soon, but at the time of this memory, she had been single for a while. I was over at a friend's house, who had a nuclear family still intact. The mother was in the kitchen making a cake for her family- as just something she did on a regular basis. It wasn't a birthday or special occasion.
I went in there for a drink or something and she asked me if I had ever baked before and being 11 or 12, I said no. I'll never forget the sound of pity in her voice and the sad look in her eyes when she said, "Oh, your mom hasn't taught you how to bake yet? How sad. Stay in here with me and I will teach you."
Now, my friend, who I had gone over to spend time with was not in the kitchen with us during this lesson, so now that I consider it, I have to wonder, was it planned? Did she ambush me with her pity at the state of my family-life? (Which, by the way, has always been pretty happy.)
So, I can vaguely remember her showing me a recipe, and measuring cups, and sugar and flour, and making the icing, all of that. I was raised to be polite and accommodating so even at that age, I knew to appear grateful. But I also felt protective. I wasn't quite sure why at the time. I hadn't the maturity level to realize that she was inevitably feeling ashamed that my mother hadn't taken a more traditional motherly-womanly role in the kitchen. How dare she not cook and how dare she not show her daughter how to bake a cake.
I am sure this woman was not trying to be mean or that she had bad intentions. I remember her being a kind lady. But you know what else I remember? Her husband was overbearing. Demanding. Scary. He was a smart-alec to his young kids. He made them cry. I was scared of him too and avoided him.
It is not lost on me now, that this kind woman had an outlook on life that her daughter, and her daughter's friends would marry a man like she did, a man that expected and demanded that a woman stay home, that her work was in the kitchen only. That it is okay to accept a treatment from men that can be belittling, and that the key to a happy marriage is to make a damn chocolate cake on a Tuesday afternoon.
No, my mom didn't pride herself on her gourmet culinary skills. But she cooked for me and I never went hungry. Our birthday cakes were probably from the Duncan Hines box, or the grocery store bakery, and I grew up just fine. I grew up knowing that it wasn't up to me to meet some man's unrealistic expectations about how a woman should be. I didn't marry someone who demanded anything of me. It is interesting how we pick up on tiny nuances and learn so much from them, even as children...
I guess you can say children do learn from their parent's mistakes or decisions in life. My parent's divorce, and this tidbit of a baking memory definitely helped to shape me as a woman.
I am not a woman who will meet society's expectations of a woman's role in the kitchen.
I am not a woman who will choose to marry a demanding, demeaning, controlling man. (like the woman from my memory; my dad is not like this)
I am not a woman who walks away from her marriage when things are bad.
Not to belittle my parents experiences or to judge them, but from what I do know about the circumstances, and from talking to them today, I hear questions, regret, a wistfulness. So, what I learned is that love doesn't just end, that it is worth it to try every means necessary to work something out, and most importantly, to keep certain things between you and your spouse. Sometimes those outside influences, even well-meaning ones from parents or best friends, can cloud your thoughts and sometimes it just needs to remain sacred between you and your spouse. Make your own decisions without the influence of others when it comes to your marriage.
So, what kind of mom will I be? Well, I won't leave my family--I will stay the course. (even though I may joke about running away from time to time, I won't really) I will raise my son to be respectful to himself, to women, and to the world. I'll show him how to read a recipe-but I won't force any pre-conceived ideas or social roles on him. If he doesn't want to play football, that is fine. If he wants to be a cake-baker, I'll find the classes for him myself. If he chooses to marry, he'll know that his wife is there as part of a team, and that life is to be shared, not dictated.
All of this to say, I am nothing if not a woman of many contradictions. Yes, I want to make the choice for myself if and where I work and if and when I bake cakes, but if I could afford to be a stay-at-home mom, I'd quit my job today, before this baby is even born. Then I'd go out and buy a dozen cupcakes, because that is easier and more yummy than anything I could ever bake...
What does that say about who I am as a woman?! I value convenience! Who has the time to bake from scratch these days! haha
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