Thursday Morning Pity Party
Yeah, so I am realllly tired of falling in love with someone that cannot and will not love me back. It is the most tortuous and painful existence. Can I just tell you that this is the story of my life? I feel like Kate Winslet in The Holiday, except of course, in the movie, she ends up finding someone better and all the pain was worth it to lead her to her newfound love and blahblahblah. And I'm sick of movies putting crap like this in my head b/c it NEVER EVER happens that way in real life. At least not in MY life.
Even the movie He's Just Not That Into You, becomes a freaking ironical love story when everyone is all paired up in the end. And all along, the Justin Long character is blahblahing about Exceptions and Rules and Signs and Wonders... I get the point...someday one girl will be one guy's exception to his rule, the stars align, or some other cockamamy BS, and they find love.
Please.
Yes, today I am bitter about this. It will pass, but at this very moment, this is my truth.
I was thinking last night, and do you know that five times, FIVE times in my life, I have had friends that have decided to somehow be with someone that I had feelings for? And three of those times, it was the same guy, just three different friends of mine. I have had to sit there, in the same room sometimes, while my "friend" would sit on his lap and make out with him, right there in front of me! Talk about emotional masichicism? Wonder how I got that way? Wonder why I am so used to apologizing for my existence and making myself and my feelings less important? I have been shown that THEY ARE. Wah.
I know these guys, any guy, does NOT give me my self-worth. I know this. But if you can show me one woman, no matter how freaking 'progressive' she is or claims to be, if the one calls that her heart is attached to, she will answer and do what he pleases. I'm the same way, so don't worry, I'm talking about me too. But you know? I think this is okay. I think this is how it was supposed to be...a man should be a man, and should take the lead. He's Just Not That Into You in all of it's glory, even shows this.
But why does the ball ALWAYS have to be in the 'man's court for us ladies? Why do we always have to be the ones heartbroken and waiting? And I realize it can be a choice. But love is love. And I have made a choice to move past the past regardless, but my point is now, I am waiting to meet someone new. I want to meet someone new that I connect with. Nothing is more unnattractive than a desperate-seeming woman, and I hope that is not how I come off here, but I am just being honest.
I'm just tired of being alone. And I know I am not, I know God loves me, and I pray, I beg Him for it to be enough. And it should be. But I'm not perfect. And it's hard b/c in my fallen and ridiculous little life, I have felt a tiny bit of human love, and from that tiny little touch, of course, I long for it again.
I know now, as I have stated in previous posts about love, that from here on out, I will be more careful and more guarded, or I will end up in this same place. This familiar, gut-wrenching and tortuous place.
So, now that I've had this pity party, and it is out of my system, I can get on with my day and ready for this long weekend ahead...sure to be full of sun, and fireworks, and food, and nights out with my girlfriends. And I have great friends now. Don't worry, those other 'friends' that have shat on me in the past, are not in my life anymore... I do have some respect for myself, and dignity, afterall.
Happy freakin Independence Day.
:)
Even the movie He's Just Not That Into You, becomes a freaking ironical love story when everyone is all paired up in the end. And all along, the Justin Long character is blahblahing about Exceptions and Rules and Signs and Wonders... I get the point...someday one girl will be one guy's exception to his rule, the stars align, or some other cockamamy BS, and they find love.
Please.
Yes, today I am bitter about this. It will pass, but at this very moment, this is my truth.
I was thinking last night, and do you know that five times, FIVE times in my life, I have had friends that have decided to somehow be with someone that I had feelings for? And three of those times, it was the same guy, just three different friends of mine. I have had to sit there, in the same room sometimes, while my "friend" would sit on his lap and make out with him, right there in front of me! Talk about emotional masichicism? Wonder how I got that way? Wonder why I am so used to apologizing for my existence and making myself and my feelings less important? I have been shown that THEY ARE. Wah.
I know these guys, any guy, does NOT give me my self-worth. I know this. But if you can show me one woman, no matter how freaking 'progressive' she is or claims to be, if the one calls that her heart is attached to, she will answer and do what he pleases. I'm the same way, so don't worry, I'm talking about me too. But you know? I think this is okay. I think this is how it was supposed to be...a man should be a man, and should take the lead. He's Just Not That Into You in all of it's glory, even shows this.
But why does the ball ALWAYS have to be in the 'man's court for us ladies? Why do we always have to be the ones heartbroken and waiting? And I realize it can be a choice. But love is love. And I have made a choice to move past the past regardless, but my point is now, I am waiting to meet someone new. I want to meet someone new that I connect with. Nothing is more unnattractive than a desperate-seeming woman, and I hope that is not how I come off here, but I am just being honest.
I'm just tired of being alone. And I know I am not, I know God loves me, and I pray, I beg Him for it to be enough. And it should be. But I'm not perfect. And it's hard b/c in my fallen and ridiculous little life, I have felt a tiny bit of human love, and from that tiny little touch, of course, I long for it again.
I know now, as I have stated in previous posts about love, that from here on out, I will be more careful and more guarded, or I will end up in this same place. This familiar, gut-wrenching and tortuous place.
So, now that I've had this pity party, and it is out of my system, I can get on with my day and ready for this long weekend ahead...sure to be full of sun, and fireworks, and food, and nights out with my girlfriends. And I have great friends now. Don't worry, those other 'friends' that have shat on me in the past, are not in my life anymore... I do have some respect for myself, and dignity, afterall.
Happy freakin Independence Day.
:)
Comments