"I reckon its again my turn to win some or learn some"
I can finally listen to Jason Mraz's "I'm Yours" again. It's a good day. About a year ago, it was definitely one of my favorite songs...Back when myspace could convey my feelings through music and bulletins. Back when I was a part of something that still brings a heaviness to my stomach and a tugging in my heart area when I think about it. It's an empty feeling when what you think is truth is ripped out from under you. When you disappoint yourself. When someone puts on a good show and you buy it. It is said that "Feelings should neither be ignored, nor placed in charge. Love concealed or love rejected can both kill us."* I also think that love pretended, can kill. Word of advice: Don't act like it if you don't feel it. It will save pain, time, and much irrational red tape against songs like "I'm Yours." But it's always my fault. For getting too close.
Oh the disillusionment of my youth. Hah.
That is a joke. I'm not wise, never have been. I'm not judgmental, any more than the rest of us. I don't claim to be rational all the time. I stumble over my own words, and sometimes step over yours. And I hate that. I regret that. But it all stems from some insecurity. Fear. The things that come and go, depending on how much I prayed that morning. Perfect love is supposed to drive out fear. In love, there isn't supposed to be any fear! Think about it.
I've been reading off and on the book "Captivating." It kind of explains the whys and hows of a woman in regards to how she experiences love in comparison to the way God loves. It's rather fascinating and freeing. If I am made in the image of God, God longs for us to love and desire Him. So, I, in turn, long to be loved and desired. As do all women. A light bulb went on inside my head, and for the first time in my life, I wasn't ashamed of this, or discouraged by it. It is also a different, and more tender way of seeing God. Tender. That is something that has gotten my heart into trouble in the past. It is something that can be deceitful and heartbreaking. But when it is applied to God, it takes on a comforting feeling. A feeling of being at home.
I am unashamed to be how I was made.
I understand the implications of the word, 'desired,' but I don't mean it in a after-hours HBO type way. I mean it in a loving, reciprocal, secure way. Respectful. Faithful. Honest. Read the book if you want to know more. It is interesting perspective, even if you don't want to identify with any 'religion.' Ugh. I almost hate the word. It's more about politics and less about God.
Anyway. I should be working on my thesis. But at this point, for me, any kind of writing is good for my soul.
*Quotes found in Boundaries, by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
Oh the disillusionment of my youth. Hah.
That is a joke. I'm not wise, never have been. I'm not judgmental, any more than the rest of us. I don't claim to be rational all the time. I stumble over my own words, and sometimes step over yours. And I hate that. I regret that. But it all stems from some insecurity. Fear. The things that come and go, depending on how much I prayed that morning. Perfect love is supposed to drive out fear. In love, there isn't supposed to be any fear! Think about it.
I've been reading off and on the book "Captivating." It kind of explains the whys and hows of a woman in regards to how she experiences love in comparison to the way God loves. It's rather fascinating and freeing. If I am made in the image of God, God longs for us to love and desire Him. So, I, in turn, long to be loved and desired. As do all women. A light bulb went on inside my head, and for the first time in my life, I wasn't ashamed of this, or discouraged by it. It is also a different, and more tender way of seeing God. Tender. That is something that has gotten my heart into trouble in the past. It is something that can be deceitful and heartbreaking. But when it is applied to God, it takes on a comforting feeling. A feeling of being at home.
I am unashamed to be how I was made.
I understand the implications of the word, 'desired,' but I don't mean it in a after-hours HBO type way. I mean it in a loving, reciprocal, secure way. Respectful. Faithful. Honest. Read the book if you want to know more. It is interesting perspective, even if you don't want to identify with any 'religion.' Ugh. I almost hate the word. It's more about politics and less about God.
Anyway. I should be working on my thesis. But at this point, for me, any kind of writing is good for my soul.
*Quotes found in Boundaries, by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
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