What will people think?
Sometimes I wish I had a different life. I know as a person that believes in God, I'm not supposed to say things like that, but I do think about it. If I could just really wake up in a different place, different job, (or non-job), different past. But then the 'fantasy' makes me a little sad because I wouldn't want to replace my family. And of course, when someone says things like that, all they are really saying is they wish they could just remove all the bad things and keep the good. I have been blessed to have some good. So, as you can tell, it is a cyclical thought process that ultimately comes back around to the reality of it all. Hence, fantasies are pointless and a waste of time.
I used to spend a lot of time in a world like that though. Funny enough, I was probably a better writer back then. An eerie thing I have realized lately after having gone back and read some stuff I wrote years ago, some of that crap has actually come true, or happened in my own life....hah. I'd give some examples, but that may be too personal at this juncture. hah. Isn't that funny? A blog is, if nothing else, PERSONAL.
I'm sure people are tired of hearing about my roller coaster of of crap I keep going through and feeling. Aside from that horrible cliched description, it really has been so up and down. And I know that is life. And maybe, just maybe, I can be a tad dramatic, but hey at least I am well in touch with my flaws.
My dad told me once that when people say, "Everything happens for a reason," that it is just something people say to make themselves feel better. In other words, its a crock. This made me sad for him, b/c I know things have happened to him and around him to give him this hard inner/outer shell. The thought that everything happens for a reason actually has a Christian background, but I know a lot of people throw that around not thinking of it that way at all. People just have different names for it: fate, destiny, karma...more that I can't think of. It's God's Will people. It doesn't matter if you believe in Him or not. Everything happens for a reason, why? Because He wills it so. Even the bad things.
That's something I've definitely seen this year. Even though I did/do believe, bad things really do happen to good people. Good people still make bad decisions, and God still loves me. I still think about things everyday. I still relive certain moments; I still remember. I am working on this. I know I am not supposed to look back and it is slowly, but surely getting better. It is hard.
And that's just on the personal side.
The other big part of life is the professional, which was more out of my control but just as, if not more tumultuous. I'm only 25. Maybe not quite as 'innocent' and 'naive' as I once was, but I still look up to 'adults.' I still hope and trust that I can have good examples to follow. Especially in the work place. I learned another lesson in not looking for a human being to meet my needs b/c once again, I was let down.
I went to a counselor this year, actually to two different ones for them to both tell me that my focus is way off. I'm focusing way too much on the temporal, horizontal. I need to be vertical. Before you get all dirty mind about that, b/c well, I know how people think b/c I am one of them, I mean we were made by God and for God and I do not live every minute of my day aware of those five words. My goal is to have an open life. Everything past, present, future, every nook, cranny, thought, word, to be able to be in the light in front of anyone and everyone. I'm not trying to sound pretentious, self-righteous, I am trying to be real. Honest. Gentle. Peaceable. Humble. Helpful. Loving. Kind. Longsuffering. Who doesn't really want to be these things? Jesus was like this. I don't know if you're starting to think I'm one of those "Jesus Freaks," b/c let's face it, if you've never known much about it, or like my dad, he's hardened from life's circumstances, I probably sound crazy. I get it. But let me assure you, I've lived my life on both sides of the fence. There's pain and suffering on both sides. And really, there's been more of it since I decided God was the one for me, but I know I have a purpose and unconditional love and acceptance now. And I actually have help and someone that won't let me down like every other human on this planet does. That's not pessimistic, that is just the truth. We can't help it. The world makes us strive for self.
I didn't meant to get on a soapbox. But I knew it would probably happen sooner or later with all my 'free' time.
I'm still me. Same ole flawed, slightly neurotic, crooked teeth having, music loving, VW owning, mistake making, heart broken (and not just for personal) but still smiling most days, deep feeling, compassionate, overly perceptive, foot in mouth putting, love to laugh, chicken eatin ball of human soup. haha. And maybe corny and goofy from time to time.
It's just important to me, now more than ever before, to be who I really am.
I used to spend a lot of time in a world like that though. Funny enough, I was probably a better writer back then. An eerie thing I have realized lately after having gone back and read some stuff I wrote years ago, some of that crap has actually come true, or happened in my own life....hah. I'd give some examples, but that may be too personal at this juncture. hah. Isn't that funny? A blog is, if nothing else, PERSONAL.
I'm sure people are tired of hearing about my roller coaster of of crap I keep going through and feeling. Aside from that horrible cliched description, it really has been so up and down. And I know that is life. And maybe, just maybe, I can be a tad dramatic, but hey at least I am well in touch with my flaws.
My dad told me once that when people say, "Everything happens for a reason," that it is just something people say to make themselves feel better. In other words, its a crock. This made me sad for him, b/c I know things have happened to him and around him to give him this hard inner/outer shell. The thought that everything happens for a reason actually has a Christian background, but I know a lot of people throw that around not thinking of it that way at all. People just have different names for it: fate, destiny, karma...more that I can't think of. It's God's Will people. It doesn't matter if you believe in Him or not. Everything happens for a reason, why? Because He wills it so. Even the bad things.
That's something I've definitely seen this year. Even though I did/do believe, bad things really do happen to good people. Good people still make bad decisions, and God still loves me. I still think about things everyday. I still relive certain moments; I still remember. I am working on this. I know I am not supposed to look back and it is slowly, but surely getting better. It is hard.
And that's just on the personal side.
The other big part of life is the professional, which was more out of my control but just as, if not more tumultuous. I'm only 25. Maybe not quite as 'innocent' and 'naive' as I once was, but I still look up to 'adults.' I still hope and trust that I can have good examples to follow. Especially in the work place. I learned another lesson in not looking for a human being to meet my needs b/c once again, I was let down.
I went to a counselor this year, actually to two different ones for them to both tell me that my focus is way off. I'm focusing way too much on the temporal, horizontal. I need to be vertical. Before you get all dirty mind about that, b/c well, I know how people think b/c I am one of them, I mean we were made by God and for God and I do not live every minute of my day aware of those five words. My goal is to have an open life. Everything past, present, future, every nook, cranny, thought, word, to be able to be in the light in front of anyone and everyone. I'm not trying to sound pretentious, self-righteous, I am trying to be real. Honest. Gentle. Peaceable. Humble. Helpful. Loving. Kind. Longsuffering. Who doesn't really want to be these things? Jesus was like this. I don't know if you're starting to think I'm one of those "Jesus Freaks," b/c let's face it, if you've never known much about it, or like my dad, he's hardened from life's circumstances, I probably sound crazy. I get it. But let me assure you, I've lived my life on both sides of the fence. There's pain and suffering on both sides. And really, there's been more of it since I decided God was the one for me, but I know I have a purpose and unconditional love and acceptance now. And I actually have help and someone that won't let me down like every other human on this planet does. That's not pessimistic, that is just the truth. We can't help it. The world makes us strive for self.
I didn't meant to get on a soapbox. But I knew it would probably happen sooner or later with all my 'free' time.
I'm still me. Same ole flawed, slightly neurotic, crooked teeth having, music loving, VW owning, mistake making, heart broken (and not just for personal) but still smiling most days, deep feeling, compassionate, overly perceptive, foot in mouth putting, love to laugh, chicken eatin ball of human soup. haha. And maybe corny and goofy from time to time.
It's just important to me, now more than ever before, to be who I really am.
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