Expectations.
Not always good to completely depend on your expectations. Especially if they involve people. We are all flawed and bound to not meet someone else's expectations, sometimes, through no fault of our own. Sometimes we don't even know the expectations that are set for us. But they can be dangerous things. And undoubtedly people let us down.
They are inevitable things we will have, I realize. But we should be less inclined to live and die by them.
I will say this. I know I let someone down this year. I don't know if I'll ever get the chance to tell that person the truth, or apologize. It has been on my mind lately because I realized the magnitude of what I did. Someone that was brought into my life had expectations of who I was. They saw me a certain way. Held me in a particular light. Which, we often do with folks. But as it was, because of the position I was in, I was thought of as a 'good Christian girl.' With the descriptor 'Christian' attached to that, meaning I was supposed to be hypocritical, judgmental, naive. That's how this person saw it to mean. Expected.
My worst fear in life is to be a fraud. That I am not good enough. Not doing something right. Not up to par. But do you know what happened? I tried so hard to be what I thought was EXPECTED of me, that I lost sight of my FOCUS. It was taken off the right things, and put on the wrong things and my life became so messy I could not see straight. I did not know where I was going or what I was doing, I just knew that I thought I was meeting expectations to be accepted and loved.
I put those expectations on myself. I was so weak in who I was that I let myself go and change. Revert back. Years of growing and becoming a better person. Having found God, (not religion) but God, and here I was acting like all the things I was afraid of. But I knew I wasn't truly those things, but I was a mess. It affected everything in my life.
That is probably the worst thing I have ever done. I think about it often. If I hadn't gotten lost in the world. If I had been strong and not wavered. If I hadn't given in to what I thought was expected of me. What if. But I had to go through all of this. What if's are living in a fantasy world, and I've said before, it is pointless.
And at first, the thought scared me. Wow. If I can so easily waver, if I can so easily sway, what is wrong with me? But you see, I didn't fully go off, because I always knew the truth. Everything I was doing, every situation. In the back of my mind it was there. I just denied it. I just pushed it away so that I could continue on with my lie. Tell my conscience to shut up so I can carry on with this life I was leading. I realized my focus HAD been way off. I wanted Love so badly that I would change who I was to get it. That's what humans do. In our inept attempts at loving each other... I had taken my focus off True Love.
It's hard to keep it filled up. It is a moment by moment thing. I just pray for it as much as I can. Because it is the one thing that never fails. I can count on God's love never leaving me. Even when I fail. Even after the messes that I make.
But through it all I learned. And I know some people, like my father, say that people say things like that to try to deal w/ bad things that have happened. And yeah, maybe so. But it is what we are supposed to do. Life is trials. Especially if you call yourself a Christian. If there were no trials, there would be no need for faith.
I brought this particular trial on myself, but nonetheless, the same applies. It has been used for good b/c I am stronger and I can see more clearly and I make better decisions. My desires are changing.
But to that person that I disappointed, I hate to think that I pushed the truth even farther away because of my actions. I am just a flawed person, trying to make it through. I hate that I caused any hurt and bad feeling at all. And now I am just dealing with having no resolution about it. It is hard to go on with out things being resolved. Fixed. Okay. But I am being forced to do that with some major things in my life this past year. I say major, b/c they were. They are, to me...
I know that I am the only person that still thinks of it, but it is that important. I am not making a big deal of it. It is nothing if not important to be who you are. But to find that person first. All of that happened to make me really ask myself that question and get to the bottom of it: WHO AM I? Shouldn't I have known by now? So, now I don't want to have an pretensions. I want it to be known so that people can hold me accountable. I can't just slip up and 'forget' just to fall into what I think I want.
I wanted Love. And I didn't find it. OF course I didn't. I was going about it all wrong.
I am loved and accepted eternally. As soon as my heart truly believes that, and the hurt is being chipped away. I know the truth. I know WHO I am. Wounds are healing. If I seek Him before all things, He will give me the desires of my heart. If I delight myself in Him. (ps 37:4) I trust Him. He's NEVER broken my heart. That's the only expectation I can count on.
They are inevitable things we will have, I realize. But we should be less inclined to live and die by them.
I will say this. I know I let someone down this year. I don't know if I'll ever get the chance to tell that person the truth, or apologize. It has been on my mind lately because I realized the magnitude of what I did. Someone that was brought into my life had expectations of who I was. They saw me a certain way. Held me in a particular light. Which, we often do with folks. But as it was, because of the position I was in, I was thought of as a 'good Christian girl.' With the descriptor 'Christian' attached to that, meaning I was supposed to be hypocritical, judgmental, naive. That's how this person saw it to mean. Expected.
My worst fear in life is to be a fraud. That I am not good enough. Not doing something right. Not up to par. But do you know what happened? I tried so hard to be what I thought was EXPECTED of me, that I lost sight of my FOCUS. It was taken off the right things, and put on the wrong things and my life became so messy I could not see straight. I did not know where I was going or what I was doing, I just knew that I thought I was meeting expectations to be accepted and loved.
I put those expectations on myself. I was so weak in who I was that I let myself go and change. Revert back. Years of growing and becoming a better person. Having found God, (not religion) but God, and here I was acting like all the things I was afraid of. But I knew I wasn't truly those things, but I was a mess. It affected everything in my life.
That is probably the worst thing I have ever done. I think about it often. If I hadn't gotten lost in the world. If I had been strong and not wavered. If I hadn't given in to what I thought was expected of me. What if. But I had to go through all of this. What if's are living in a fantasy world, and I've said before, it is pointless.
And at first, the thought scared me. Wow. If I can so easily waver, if I can so easily sway, what is wrong with me? But you see, I didn't fully go off, because I always knew the truth. Everything I was doing, every situation. In the back of my mind it was there. I just denied it. I just pushed it away so that I could continue on with my lie. Tell my conscience to shut up so I can carry on with this life I was leading. I realized my focus HAD been way off. I wanted Love so badly that I would change who I was to get it. That's what humans do. In our inept attempts at loving each other... I had taken my focus off True Love.
It's hard to keep it filled up. It is a moment by moment thing. I just pray for it as much as I can. Because it is the one thing that never fails. I can count on God's love never leaving me. Even when I fail. Even after the messes that I make.
But through it all I learned. And I know some people, like my father, say that people say things like that to try to deal w/ bad things that have happened. And yeah, maybe so. But it is what we are supposed to do. Life is trials. Especially if you call yourself a Christian. If there were no trials, there would be no need for faith.
I brought this particular trial on myself, but nonetheless, the same applies. It has been used for good b/c I am stronger and I can see more clearly and I make better decisions. My desires are changing.
But to that person that I disappointed, I hate to think that I pushed the truth even farther away because of my actions. I am just a flawed person, trying to make it through. I hate that I caused any hurt and bad feeling at all. And now I am just dealing with having no resolution about it. It is hard to go on with out things being resolved. Fixed. Okay. But I am being forced to do that with some major things in my life this past year. I say major, b/c they were. They are, to me...
I know that I am the only person that still thinks of it, but it is that important. I am not making a big deal of it. It is nothing if not important to be who you are. But to find that person first. All of that happened to make me really ask myself that question and get to the bottom of it: WHO AM I? Shouldn't I have known by now? So, now I don't want to have an pretensions. I want it to be known so that people can hold me accountable. I can't just slip up and 'forget' just to fall into what I think I want.
I wanted Love. And I didn't find it. OF course I didn't. I was going about it all wrong.
I am loved and accepted eternally. As soon as my heart truly believes that, and the hurt is being chipped away. I know the truth. I know WHO I am. Wounds are healing. If I seek Him before all things, He will give me the desires of my heart. If I delight myself in Him. (ps 37:4) I trust Him. He's NEVER broken my heart. That's the only expectation I can count on.
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