Jumbled-Up Thoughts About Things
I spend a lot of time thinking about writing and not a lot of time doing it. Lately anyway. I've got about a half-a-dozen unpublished blog post beginnings stored up on this thing. Maybe someday I will get to them. Maybe not.
Writing is the only thing I have ever done that makes me feel as if I am supposed to be doing it. It is the right thing; part of who I am. So, why don't I do it more often?
I'm sitting in my living room right now, covered in a blanket, but my feet can't seem to get warm enough. It is so quiet when there are no cars driving by that I can hear the gas streaming into the fireplace in front of me as it gives life to the flames. Every once in a while I can hear the neighbor's rustlings, and the muted tv makes a faint buzzing sound that would probably drive a dog crazy if I had one. The cat isn't bothered.
I mute the tv rather than turn it off because noise hinders my thoughts, but lights and visuals do not. A powered "on" tv gives me security. Even now, when I wake up in the middle of a pitch black night after a freakish dream, I scramble to turn the tv on because whatever demons are hiding out in my room are sure to leave once they see that tv chases away the shadows. Or maybe it's just that it takes my mind off the demons...
I guess some childhood fears take longer to leave than others.
When I'm not alone, I don't get afraid.
Maybe I just need somebody to talk to.
I think about relationships. Do they really work like they say they do in all of those books and Sex and the City episodes? My gut tells me HELL no, (pardon the curse) because they all just want to sell their product-- they want us to believe in them. I get that. And I have to believe that every relationship is custom-built to you. You can't generalize. But I am guilty of the fear. Guilty of the complications, baggage. I hate that. But I am human. I pray that God is still leading me, despite me.
I'm 27 and I'm still trying to figure all of this out. All I do know is that I'm always looking forward to Friday and there's always a writer's commentary going through my head, and I'm always looking for somebody to love me, and yet I fall in love all the time.
I refuse to be the girl that settles for less than extraordinary, and I refuse to be the ordinary girl that someone just settles for.
I hope God can sort this out.
There are so many "maybes" in this post it makes me think I need to be more self-assured.
Writing is the only thing I have ever done that makes me feel as if I am supposed to be doing it. It is the right thing; part of who I am. So, why don't I do it more often?
I'm sitting in my living room right now, covered in a blanket, but my feet can't seem to get warm enough. It is so quiet when there are no cars driving by that I can hear the gas streaming into the fireplace in front of me as it gives life to the flames. Every once in a while I can hear the neighbor's rustlings, and the muted tv makes a faint buzzing sound that would probably drive a dog crazy if I had one. The cat isn't bothered.
I mute the tv rather than turn it off because noise hinders my thoughts, but lights and visuals do not. A powered "on" tv gives me security. Even now, when I wake up in the middle of a pitch black night after a freakish dream, I scramble to turn the tv on because whatever demons are hiding out in my room are sure to leave once they see that tv chases away the shadows. Or maybe it's just that it takes my mind off the demons...
I guess some childhood fears take longer to leave than others.
When I'm not alone, I don't get afraid.
Maybe I just need somebody to talk to.
I think about relationships. Do they really work like they say they do in all of those books and Sex and the City episodes? My gut tells me HELL no, (pardon the curse) because they all just want to sell their product-- they want us to believe in them. I get that. And I have to believe that every relationship is custom-built to you. You can't generalize. But I am guilty of the fear. Guilty of the complications, baggage. I hate that. But I am human. I pray that God is still leading me, despite me.
I'm 27 and I'm still trying to figure all of this out. All I do know is that I'm always looking forward to Friday and there's always a writer's commentary going through my head, and I'm always looking for somebody to love me, and yet I fall in love all the time.
I refuse to be the girl that settles for less than extraordinary, and I refuse to be the ordinary girl that someone just settles for.
I hope God can sort this out.
There are so many "maybes" in this post it makes me think I need to be more self-assured.