So much

So, I am privileged with very large windows in my office. I may have mentioned this before, but my desk is positioned against nearly floor-to-ceiling windows. As I type this, I have the natural light streaming in and at certain points during the early day, it makes me squint as I stare at my flat screen. I can't bring myself to close the blinds. I guess sitting at this exact spot is what has made me so thoughtful of sun beams and light these days. If I look directly out, there is a sidewalk and brick street that run perpendicular to the Museum. I can't quite see the corner of the street because there is a screened-in porch of a house next door that blocks my view. Often times I will see bikers, and walkers, and students from the nearby high school trudging along there. Today there was a man on a motorized wheelchair going on this path. Strictly coincidental that he was in a wheelchair, but today the lighting was just right and it appeared he was traveling right into the sun. Going to the light, as people say. It shown down so brightly, I imagined him just disappearing right into it. It was peaceful and quiet to watch. I wanted to go out and just stand in it myself. To feel the warmth. I need the warmth. Everyone needs to feel it.
Now the sky is more gray and the sun has moved. When I look out the window, I see my clear reflection as if it were a mirror. When the sun comes out from behind the clouds, I can still feel it though. The heat takes over. The shine shades my computer screen again and makes my blond hair look shimmery and gold in the reflection. If only, she says. If only, so many things. We say.
I'm concerned with myself. Surprise? I feel emotion has drained. Feeling emotion. I want it. But I don't have it. Am I numb? It may have disappeared from decisions I have made. I have buried the feeling. Under things I haven't even begun to uncover. While people read words trying to understand. Grasping for belonging and happiness.
When we are small, I think we all have this notion of wanting to be in the light. Pure. Whole. Iluminated. Even if we don't know what it means. We spend the rest of our lives striving towards it. Hoping to shine.
I want to shine for you. You. Who's You?
So many you's vying for attention...
I'm not sure I've met You yet.