Transparency
So, I went to my first counseling session last night. A real-life therapist, $64 co-pay and all. Her office was in a little old house in the middle of town. Soft-lighting and warm colors decorated the place. I felt pretty comfortable-once I got over the fact that I was actually going to a counseling session. I didn’t know what to say at first. When she asked me what brought me there, I panicked for a second, thinking to myself, “I don’t know! Why am I here? I’m a fraud. I don’t belong here!” I don’t have real problems…
Well, I began to talk.
She reassured me that I was brave and this was a good step. She is going to help me realize my worth, in how I think, how I talk, and how I let people treat me.
Apparently, I carry around some doormat mentality from time to time that isn't very healthy... To myself and ultimately to those in a relationship with me because they never know what I'm truly feeling or thinking if it affects them. I'd much rather simmer and suffer than affect you. I don't want you to hurt or have to change in anyway. But now, I am in a relationship that doesn't necessarily allow me to be that way and it is a struggle.
I need to learn to be better. That way I can be a better partner in this relationship, in turn, hopefully making us better. If I can speak up and tell him right away exactly what he did or said in that moment that hurt me etc., than I won't carry around so much grief sometimes. I will be free!
Well, all this psycho-babble talk makes me crazy too. But if I'm going to get married. If I'm going to attempt at spending my life with someone, forever, I want to be able to make it work. I want to be the best I can be. Love takes work. It isn't just a feeling, it is a long-suffering, life-time, load-bearing, unconditional thing. At least that is what I want to make it. Because the feeling part isn't enough for me. Feelings are malleable and mine are too easily affected right now.
I want to live a transparent life and I want my partner to as well. I don't expect perfection, but I expect the majority of my life to be joyful. I don't expect it to be easy, but I expect it to be with someone who will stick by me through the end. I think we've got a good thing going, but I think it's only going to get better.
It's a new day, everyday.
Well, I began to talk.
She reassured me that I was brave and this was a good step. She is going to help me realize my worth, in how I think, how I talk, and how I let people treat me.
Apparently, I carry around some doormat mentality from time to time that isn't very healthy... To myself and ultimately to those in a relationship with me because they never know what I'm truly feeling or thinking if it affects them. I'd much rather simmer and suffer than affect you. I don't want you to hurt or have to change in anyway. But now, I am in a relationship that doesn't necessarily allow me to be that way and it is a struggle.
I need to learn to be better. That way I can be a better partner in this relationship, in turn, hopefully making us better. If I can speak up and tell him right away exactly what he did or said in that moment that hurt me etc., than I won't carry around so much grief sometimes. I will be free!
Well, all this psycho-babble talk makes me crazy too. But if I'm going to get married. If I'm going to attempt at spending my life with someone, forever, I want to be able to make it work. I want to be the best I can be. Love takes work. It isn't just a feeling, it is a long-suffering, life-time, load-bearing, unconditional thing. At least that is what I want to make it. Because the feeling part isn't enough for me. Feelings are malleable and mine are too easily affected right now.
I want to live a transparent life and I want my partner to as well. I don't expect perfection, but I expect the majority of my life to be joyful. I don't expect it to be easy, but I expect it to be with someone who will stick by me through the end. I think we've got a good thing going, but I think it's only going to get better.
It's a new day, everyday.
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